Mom and Alzheimer's

After writing a novella for my ride report yesterday, I realized that I've missed the act of writing.  It's been a lazy Sunday and I oughta go ride my bike, but instead will attach thoughts to these pages.

I've had the thought, rather melodramatically, that I've had a major tragedy each decade of my life.  When I was in single digits and far too young to understand, my brother committed suicide.  In my teens my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given six months to a year to live.  My dad died when I was in my mid-twenties; way too young.  I don't feel the need to share the big life changing moments from my thirties and forties, but I had them.  Now, a few months into my fifties, I'm having to face this decade's challenge:  my mother's Alzheimer's disease.

She triumphed over cancer and won a battle very few do, only to have to live her last years in one of the most horrible ways possible.  Her mind is gone, her memories are gone, she's lost the ability to form a coherent sentence and is losing control over her body.

We've had her in an Assisted Living Facility for almost two years.  My sister and I both noticed a deterioration of her memory. She would get lost driving around Plant City.  The bumper on her car had more than a few scrapes on it and she didn't know where they came from.  We all have memory lapses from time to time, but she'd call me and ask what a certain type herb was used for. A contractor would knock on her door, tell her she needed a service, and she'd go down and get money out of the ATM to pay them.  She got ripped off more than once.

My sister and I finally took her to her doctor and told her of our concerns.  I guess my mom's a good actress because the doctor, whom she saw frequently, had no idea that there was a problem.  After a bunch of questions the doctor gave mother a piece of paper and a pencil and told her to draw a clock face showing 3 o'clock and to label it.  My mother was able to draw a circle and 2 sticks inside the circle, but that was it.  The doctor told mom that 1) she needed to stop driving, 2) she needed to think about an alternate place to live and 3) it was going to be harder on me and my sister than it was on her.

I don't think the latter is true. It's hard on mom, too.

  She was not happy at having her privileges taken away.  Who would? They moved her from a regular room into the memory care unit, which is behind a locked door after she got lost a few times on her daily walk.  It's a really nice place (they all have some problems) and fortunately mother bought long term care insurance, so, for the time being, it's paid for.  She's being well cared for.

But what an awful way to spend your last years.  In her lucid moments she mentions dying.  She says she wants to die and doesn't want to live like this.  Physically, she's in really good shape so she will be with us for  awhile, but mentally she's getting worse every time I see her (which is about every two weeks.)  She's always so glad to see me, even if she doesn't know my name anymore.  She knows I'm her people, even if she doesn't know if I'm her mother, her sister, or her daughter.  Going out in public is stressful;  too stimulating.  I've been picking her up and taking her to my sister Paula's house when my sister has her granddaughter.  Mom loves to hold little Ava (with help from me or Paula) or just watch her play on the floor. This last time, by the time I got her back to her room, she'd forgotten she'd seen the baby.

I hate this disease so much, I hate what it has done to this once vibrant woman.  After last Tuesday it hit me really hard at bedtime.  Ed held me as I wept and cried and cursed.

So, I want to try to remember the mom that used to me.  The woman that raised me.

I was going to do a mini biography but maybe I'll leave that for another post.  Random memories here, then:

Living in West Point, NY and  being in the car as mom drove dad to work everyday.  He'd always open up the car door and put his right foot out before she came to a stop.  I was probably in the middle and she'd use her right arm as a seat belt.  Mom taking me to the hospital to get shots every week.

An earlier memory, I think.  We were living in Ellisville, MS,  where she grew up, while dad was in Vietnam the first time.  Lunch would be hot dogs dipped in a sauce of mayonnaise, mustard and ketchup combined.

Ft. Hood, TX.  I came home from pre-school on my 5th birthday and mom had set up and aquarium for me.

Killeen, TX during dad's 2nd Vietnam tour.  Mom buying Fudge-cicles for us from the ice cream truck.  Her letting me spend my own money to buy a watermelon, making me feel very grown up.

El Paso, TX.  Getting to name the Siamese cat we'd just gotten and named him Monolito (should have been Manolito) after my favorite character on High Chaparral.  That same kitten getting drunk after eating mom's heavily bourbon-laden fruit cake.

OK..I'm going to stop and post now.  I've got a lot more to say and share but will not to it all at once.  That would be overwhelming.

All I can say now is bless the bones of all of the caretakers.

J

I've got to say, again, that I'm really enjoying my job.  My co-workers all love bikes and we can talk shop all day.  The folks who come into the door all love bikes and many of them know a lot more than I do about cycling.  I'm finding the sweet spot when someone comes in who's new to the sport.  Then, my limited knowledge of the intricacies of cycling is no longer a problem.  I don't have to look around hopelessly for my more knowledgeable co-workers who can have the higher level discussion with them (I'll get there, I swear!)    I can relate my own experiences with learning about the sport.  I can do it with authority and make my customers feel good about what I'm telling them.  I can feel good about what I'm telling people who're trusting me for good advice.

I've learned a lot.  I can throw off some lines and sound knowledgeable.    Most of these lines I've stolen form my co-workers, but knowledge gained is ....knowledge gained.   ..."Yes..this Joe Blow pump is great, but we've got that door buster for less and it's got a universal head..."...."Yes...this bike comes with Shimano 105 gruppo...it's the workhorse that's been consistent for years.."

And...this next bit I'm going to say...is going to make me sound like an old fuck. 

I'm really enjoying working with a bunch of 20-somethings.  They're outrageous and outrageously funny.  Sarcastic, funny, witty, teasing, bitingly direct and just plain stupid sometimes.  One of my co-workers, Andrew,  had me in stitches tonight.  Listening to these guys just spout off outrageous shit makes me remember my high school/college/early work years.  Back before life dealt too many blows (as it does for most, eventually)  But again, to me, it's just so weird to be having a good time at work.  Who would have thought of it.???

I'm working with a great group of folks.  I feel really grateful that I got this job.  

The two opening weekends are over tomorrow, and I'll be working fewer hours, so I can get back on my bike and ride.  Only doing one or two rides a week has been hard.

OK..enough for now dear open diary.

I was churning these posts out on a semi regular basis, then I found Facebook.  Talk about a time suck.

Thank goodness I no longer feel the need to read every single post, every day.  But I do feel like I'm missing out on stuff when I don't.  And damn, Words With Friends and Scrabble have become almost a burden.  I've got way too many games going on each.  I enjoy it so much but also think it's a time suck.

I'm no longer on PCFH (Postcardfromhell.com) regularly.  That's the music list that I've been on for the past 12 years.  I've learned more about music, I've had more fun on line and have made friendships on that list.  I just wish there were more hours in the day. I miss it horribly.

So, I have a new job that I actually like.  I'd like to use the word love, but I'm far too laid back to be that enthusiastic about anything.  (Bwaahaahha)

Backstory:  We've needed a new TV for months.  Our old one used to buzz (loudly) when you turned it on and then the buzz would fade after a few minutes.  Then it buzzed (loudly) for ten minutes or so.  Then it buzzed (loudly) for the entire time it was on.  The TV was close to 15 years old, so it was time for a new one.  If you've read anything I've written before, you know I'm a tightwad (you can call me, charitably, thrifty.)  Every purchase is carefully considered and big ticket items are even more thoroughly scrutinized.  However, I have a neighbor who's even more..uh...thrifty than me.  She can make a dollar bill scream, cry, and beg for mercy.  We were chatting and she mentioned that she'd just bought some new TVs from Tiger Direct on Dale Mabry.  Well, that's all I needed to know.  I dug out their flyer from the Sunday paper and headed down with Justen.

We parked the car and I looked up and saw a sign in the next plaza that said 'PERFORMANCE BIKES'.  I  grabbed Justen and drug him over, saying:  "Performance Bikes!  In Tampa!  Finally!"

We got to the store and there was a table set up outside and a man and woman at the table.  There were doing a job fair.  We chatted Performance for awhile since I've been a customer since I've been riding bikes. I hit it off with the woman, Bonnie, really well.  She's the new store manager.  She asked if I'd want to come work for them.  The man, Clayton, the District Manager, emphasized the employee discount.  It had been in the back of my head to get a job, but I thought if I did it'd be a lot closer to home.  I took the application and told them I'd think about it. But we had a love fest talking about bikes, and I left feeling good about the conversation.

Justen picked out the new TV and we came home and I thought about it and thought about it.  And realized that there is no down side.  The manager said she'd work around my schedule, I could work just a few hours a week, I'd be working in a bike shop with other folks who loved bikes like I do, and I'd get that great employee discount.  What's to think about?

I got my application to Bonnie and she said yes, she'd hire me subject to a reference check, which was no problem.  I've been at work around the 3rd week of February, and I'm having a blast.

First we had to set the store up. I've never put fixtures and shelving and plastic display cases before but it was all a learning process.  Next was stocking the store: hanging clothing, setting out all the rest of the merch.  They are corporate so they wants things just so...And there's the on line training.  I know a little bit about bikes.  I need to know A LOT about bikes, and I'm at a disadvantage, as a salesperson, because I don't know all the nuts and bolts of the bike, gear, components, nutrition,  etc.  A lot of my co-workers know a lot more than I do, so I'm trying to shut up and listen and learn. A lot of my customers know a lot more than I do about the world of cycling, but I'm trying not to appear too ignorant to them.  (A question I had today..."Is this jersey club cut or racing cut?"  Like I know the fucking difference!!)

OK...this is getting long.  I'll have more to add soon.